Here at Odds Shark, we are all on the nice list – probably for all of our charitable work helping you cash in the best bets for your favorite sports. So, we are pretty tight with the big man up at the North Pole. We got a sneak peek at each NHL team’s Christmas list; it was borrowed (not stolen) from Santa’s workshop by those quick, sneaky elves – and we can neither confirm nor deny whether Alex DeBrincat was one of them.
What Does Every NHL Team Want For Christmas?
Super-glue, so they can stick together back-to-back wins.
A megaphone to make the 15 fans sound like a sold-out crowd. Is it really that hard to fill the 5,000 seats in the Mullett Arena that they share with the University of Arizona? Tell the students it’s two-dollar beer night and it’ll be packed. Not to be greedy, but they mentioned a dressing room that doesn’t resemble the one my beer league team uses. Also, 15 fans was a bit generous on our end but ’tis the season for giving.
THE ARIZONA COYOTES HAVE A DRESSING ROOM THAT BELONGS IN TORONTO MINOR REP HOCKEY. https://t.co/ZgM3hq9K5r— Ryan Hains (@RynoHainser) October 1, 2022
Anti-aging cream. The Bruins feel 21. Shockingly, they are leading the league (who could’ve guessed that? Totally not us in our Atlantic odds projection). But, those Boston boys are getting old with 10 players on the roster having celebrated at least 30 birthdays. Two of the Bruins’ top three point producers – captain Patrice Bergeron (37) and Brad Marchand (34) – should be saving up their retirement funds. BTW, the numbers are their ages, not their points.
Kraft creamy peanut butter so they can experience what smooth consistency feels like. This group is either winning four in a row or losing eight straight. It’s giving me whiplash and they are the reason a neck brace is at the top of my wish list.
Therapy for the PTSD of the last offseason. The captain jumped ship with Johnny Gaudreau sailing to Columbus with his career-high 115 points. Matthew Tkachuk was tired of building snowmen and moved to Florida, packing his career-high 104 points in his suitcase too. It’s been a lot of trauma and those Flames are starting to look dull.
A watch so they can learn better time management. Perhaps instead of dedicating 45 minutes of practice to synchronizing the Storm Surge to perfection, they could do some target practice. Carolina has scored 94 goals this year (ranked 24th). Only three players have goals in the double digits and those bunch of jerks can’t rely on Necas, Svechnikov and Aho all season.
Insurance to get their team the proper health care they need. If it’s too expensive, just give it to MacKinnon and Landeskog. The rest can fend for themselves.
Columbus Blue Jackets
A mistletoe so they can kiss this season goodbye. Their injury list is long enough to use as a scarf, including notable names like leading goal-scorer Boone Jenner, Cole Sillinger, Adam Boqvist, Jakub Voracek and Zach Werenski.
Mind-boggling injury list out of Columbus. Their season is already toast. https://t.co/wQ3yFLsJtJ— Mike Harrington (@ByMHarrington) November 11, 2022
A spotlight so people can finally start giving them some attention. The Stars are shining at the top of the Central and Jason Robertson is the brightest of them, earning at least one point in each November contest.
Detroit Red Wings
A calculator to type in some numbers and get their top defensive pairing out of the minuses. 2022 Calder Trophy Sportsbook Moritz Seider (-14) and Ben Chiarot (-13) are side-by-side in the league’s top 25 worst for plus-minus. Maybe some Christmas cheer will put an extra pep in their skating strides.
An invisibility cloak to put on an opposing player each period. Those Oilers are slick with an extra man, ranking first in the league with a 33.1 percent efficiency rating on the PP.
A good ole’ game of eeny, meeny, miny, moe to decide which side of the goal differential they want to be on. The Panthers are either losing by four or winning by three, always lingering around the 0 differential mark. Just make up your mind!
A remote so the Kings can pause the season and stay second in the Pacific forever. Do they even celebrate Christmas in Los Angeles?
Better parenting. These kids are not very disciplined, spending over 400 minutes in the box. Put Marcus Foligno in a timeout before he gets put on the naughty list.
If I were the Minnesota Wild hockey club I would simply stop taking unnecessary penalties, that’s just me though— AJ Fredrickson (@AJ_FREDRICKSON) November 16, 2022
A clone so they can see an extra man and know what to do with him. The Habs have the worst power play in the NHL (13.6%) and it’s been a broken record for many years. The punishment could be a lump of coal but Montreal would think you meant Cole Caufield, their leading goal scorer with 19, and be pretty excited for that gift.
Rudolph’s red nose to light up behind the net once or twice. Seriously, I think a couple of guys are in need of a hockey stick. Nino Niederreiter is the only player with more than 10 goals and even he only has 11. The Preds do know they need to shoot to earn points, right?
New Jersey Devils
Another 13-game win streak. Such a greedy group.
New York Islanders
To deck the halls full of wild cards. Keep that tight grip on the second wild-card spot, boys.
New York Rangers
A lighter to light a fire under the asses of Alexis Lafreniere (16 PTS) and Kaapo Kakko (14 PTS). The first and second overall picks are nowhere near as good as they should be.
LEGO to build a new arena. Anything is better than the current one. The Canadian Tire Center is surrounded by nothing in Kanata. Want to grab a beer after or before the game? Have fun walking 45 minutes to the nearest decent bar. Maybe Ryan Reynolds could lend a hand with this one.
Could Ryan Reynolds be the next owner of the Ottawa Senators!? 🤔 pic.twitter.com/GRT0BYISsm— JayOnSC (@JayOnSC) November 3, 2022
A box of brochures of the top-rated psychiatric hospitals for head coach John Tortorella. Benching Kevin Hayes, his points leader, over a turnover? He’s officially lost it.
For Sid to stay a kid.
San Jose Sharks
A mirror so they can look at their reflection and ask themselves what went wrong. The past three years have been a downward spiral for those Sharks.
A bucket to learn how to dump the puck out of their zone when on the penalty kill. The Kraken rank 30th in the league with a 69 percent PK and it doesn’t help that Philipp Grubauer is recording a .882 save percentage. Don’t rely on him.
St. Louis Blues
Tuition to send Jordan Binnington to boarding school to fix his attitude. The 29-year-old goalie can stop the puck at his best but has no idea how to stop his bad behavior. It’s a rink, Jordan, not a battlefield. Stop attacking other players.
Tampa Bay Lightning
Red Bull. It’s been a lot of hockey for Tampa Bay, seeing the Stanley Cup Final in three consecutive years and winning it twice (which means lots of partying). Hopefully, the gas doesn’t run out on them any time soon.
Toronto Maple Leafs
A tracking number because their letter to Santa keeps getting lost in the mail. Advancing past the first round in the playoffs has been on Toronto’s Christmas list since 2004, which is almost 19 years, but who’s counting?
A Silent Night. The media can be a real Grinch year-round.
if the vancouver canucks lose again tonight the team gets fed to a real life orca (canadian media is way too hard on these guys)— Ava (@avatarrant) October 24, 2022
Vegas Golden Knights
Good luck with the slot machines. Extra cash is desperately needed – extra, that is, in terms of salary cap space.
A time machine to keep Alexander Ovechkin young forever. The 37-year-old just joined the 800-goal club and we aren’t ready for him to join the retirement club any time soon.
A captain. The Jets randomly decided in September to strip Blake Wheeler of his captaincy after six years.